Dear Marie, Fergus and Paul:
It is without sincere regret that I must inform you that your employment with DAVID™ as Logistics/Support/Strategy Technicians will be terminated immediately.
Due to gross incompetence and failure to meet key objectives your services are no longer required.
We here at DAVID™, feel that you were afforded time and opportunity to meet these key objectives.
The DAVID™ brand as a result has been damaged and there may be recourse to pursue compensation at the discretion of our legal team.
Per the terms of your contract agreement we have arranged a severance package, you will be paid one weeks pay (€0) for every month you worked over twelve months with DAVID™.
Due to your lack of qualifications and abilities I doubt you will find future employment so you will not be requiring the letter of recommendation that I will not be writing.
Yours sincerely,
David Walsh
CEO
DAVID™
PS – thanks guys :)
Hi Dave: definitely one of the most incomprehensible posts I’ve read in a long time!
[...] to the bottomdown The Other Black Stuff Musings on Coffee Culture From Ireland « severance [...]
Dear David,
I am writing to you with heavy heart to inform you that I must reject your most generous severance deal as I feel I have no alternative but to hereby tender my resignation from DAVID™.
It has been a great honour to work under your leadership for the past few years and it has been a joy to see you strive for innovation. There has always been a fine line between genius and madness and for years you managed to walk that line with aplomb. That was until last Thursday. On Wednesday, you successfully pitched DAVID™’s wares as carefully planned and choreographed over several strategy meetings. I hope you can imagine the shock and horror I felt when you decided the following day to release upon the world, unilaterally and without warning, your latest “innovation”: the cupless cappuccino. That for me was the point at which you crossed over that line and I fear there is no return.
I do hope I am wrong and perhaps I am being short-sighted and you can label me a tradionalist or a luddite but I can’t help but feel that every cappuccino needs a cup – or indeed any form of receptacle.
I wish you and DAVID™ every success in the future.
Sincerely,
Fergus Moloney
Former DAVID™ Dogsbody #2
PS – you’re welcome :)